The essay is simply photos of some horrendous fashion witnessed on the trip. I know Vice magazine does something similar, so there is no need to point that out. However, unlike Vice the person writing the witty captions actually took the photos, at great personal risk I might add.
The idea for the photos came to us while walking past a father and son who were wearing matching superman t-shirts. The father barely fit into his XXL shirt and the skinny son was swimming in his. We chuckled and wished we had taken a picture. From that moment on we tried to photograph every piece of awful fashion we saw to dispel the rumour that all Europeans dress fashionably. Granted, one can't determine from the photo alone that these people are European, but I assure you most of them are.We did see many more candidates for our essay but sometimes found it impossible to capture these individuals in a photo without looking like stalkers. We saw many more "supermen" and several instances of camel toe happening. In Florence we saw a woman wearing a shirt that said, ironically enough:"no pictures please". In Brugge we saw a rather large woman videotaping the windows of chocolate shops, but we were unable to inconspicuously photograph her. But alas, here is the proof that ill fashion sense does exist even in Europe.
First, the ground rules that were followed:
-No photographing anyone who is wearing clothes because they could afford no better. Basically, not making fun of homeless people who picked up clothes at a church because they had nothing else. The people photographed here have these clothes on because they like them.
-No discrimination based on sex.
-Photos taken without subject's knowledge or consent.
On to the photos.......
Aye, the hot pants
Taken in the Stockholm old city. Admittedly she is probably a tourist, we guessed from somewhere in eastern Europe. Yes, those are knee highs, and yes, that is her butt sticking out the bottom of her hot pants. The shoes were those light weight canvas flats that women in Canada used to wear in the nineties (M disagrees, believing them to be white leather penny loafers). Estimated age of this woman is late thirties early forties. It is also conceded that she probably could have pulled off the hot pants about ten years ago, but the addition of knee highs is baffling. The light was failing when this picture was taken and the flash was turned off to avoid raising suspicion. It must also be mentioned that we were forced to loiter outside a souvenir shop for almost 10 minutes waiting for her to reappear on the sidewalk.
Nothing like a day out with your androgynous grand parent
Taken in Berlin, museum island. This poor little girl is doomed to a confusing adolescence. While the matching sandals are acceptable you know that she is going to dread Christmas time when Grand(m/p)a arrives with those soft to the touch Christmas presents you just know are clothes.
Truly Your's is a Butt That Won't Quit
Prague, in the Czech Republic, boasts many beautiful sights....this girl's ass is not one of them. The capture of this fashion travesty on film was an undertaking of extreme risk. What if her friend caught us photographing this shameful display of flesh? Were we violating some Czech pornography law by photographing a teenage girl's butt? These questions flashed through Ross' mind as he brazenly snapped this shot. We are not exactly clear on what kind of a revealing garment she is wearing, but it most definitely incorporates a thong......and some ruffles. Weird.......................
FBI, European Detachment
Taken in Krakow, Poland main square. First, note the complete lack of female bodies being inspected, he must be on a break. Second, I doubt the combat boots and Crypt gang bandanna soothe the females that are being subjected to an inspection. Unfortunately, a frontal photo was not possible, but rest assured the scowl on his face indicated it had been a slow inspection day.
This spring break warrior was spotted in Salzburg, Austria at Salzburg Castle. This fellow is an American. An FBI agent would deduce from the shirt that he picked it up on a previous trip to Playa Del Carmen, Mexico. One could imagine this shirt actually flying during American Spring Break in Mexico. It also serves as evidence that Female Body Inspectors are not just a nuisance in continental Europe but are, in fact, a worldwide nuisance.
Editor's note: We actually saw a few F>B>I t-shirts in Europe, but they did not all signify a Female Body Inspector. For example, we did see a teenage girl, estimated at 13 years of age, wearing a "Fabulous Body Inside" shirt at Disneyland Paris.
Pink, the new black
Somehow the combination of leather and pink doesn't make one look tough, unless you are Pinky Tuscadero. Glowing white sport socks and sneakers don't help his "image" either.
Fanny packs live on in Europe
Salzburg, Austria. You would not believe the number of fanny packs witnessed in Europe, both on tourists and locals. Perhaps it is the perception of security of having all your valuables so close to your other "valuables" is what appeals to people. It must be noted that keeping your stuff safe is never uncool, as Europe is teeming with pickpockets, so the travel guides say. However, the author's of this essay would never be caught dead in one, dignity is priceless.
FUN
Venice, Italy. You'd think the perm was already screaming fun, but she didn't want anyone to have doubts about what she was here for, what her personality was like and what you could expect hanging out with her. Note the way her breasts stretch the word FUN, it's like her level of fun can barely be contained...is there more fun inside?
Welcome to Goth Talk
Roman Forum, Rome, Italy. This little sweetheart was not amused. One would assume standing in the Roman Forum surrounded by over two thousand years of human civilization, mere blocks from the Coliseum and the Arch of Constantine that quiet reflection would be in order. She was annoyed by something or someone and was taking it out on her friends. Maybe it was the heat, it was about 35°C in the sun and the Roman Forum does not offer the best shade. Perhaps more appropriate footwear would have helped, hot feet can make anyone grumpy. Unfortunately, all the self inflicted cuts that ran up and down her arms do not show up in the photo.
European punks in the flesh
Utrecht, Netherlands. It was something about the leopard print hair that says something about anarchy and the plague of capitalistic consumerism. His choice of seat is a bold statement of how society keeps him down and him having to constantly take it from behind while getting nothing in return.
Ruthies Chicks
Paris, France, at the foot of the Eiffel Tower. These Americans were blessing Paris with matching t-shirts letting everyone know one of them was getting married. The shirts say "Ruthies Chicks Paris '06", guessing that Ruthie is the one in the white shirt with the boa and magic wand. Having a stagette in Paris is quite impressive, since it's Ruthies wedding there was no way she was not going to humiliate her bridal party all over Paris and force them into matching shirts. One must assume she's a virgin, her t-shirt is white after all. I'm sure the wedding was a real treat.
La Piece de Resistance
Vienna, Austria. This family was incredibly hard to capture but well worth it; a white whale if you will. We found ourselves following them and couldn't believe our luck. The only problem was we needed to get in front, a frontal photo was the only way to capture their essence. We knew right away it was going to be dangerous. The boy said something, or maybe stepped too close to his Neanderthal of a father. The father then raised his hand to backhand the boy, the boy cowered away trying to get out of striking distance. Neither of the women seemed to notice this threat of child abuse. We quickly realized that there was not a way to slyly get in front of them so we gave up and went to wait for the street car. However, something told us not to give up. I went to the far end of the train platform to look towards where they were walking to see if I could spot them. Low and behold, I could see them in the distance walking towards me. I was able to snap these three photos as a homage to poor fashion sense.
The two women with him are reasonably well dressed, God only knows what their relationship to him is. I like to think Austrian pimp and his harem, but that is pure speculation. His outfit is over the top. First, the hair, a better mullet would be harder to find in the American Midwest; and here is one of the greatest ones we have ever seen walking in the same city Mozart did. His jeans have those fashionable tears up and down each leg. His watch is so big at first I thought it was actually a sun dial. He is wearing no socks on his feet in those strange shoes. There are rings on most of his fingers. The big gold chain screams pimp and the tattoos scream, "I've been to prison and don't like to talk about it." The utterly useless and ridiculous green pockets on his shirt were what attracted M's eye. She cannot look at the photos without cracking up about them: it is as though he stole his shirt from a 6 year old. I think the big bracelet is to incur maximum damage to someone's body but leave the authorities confused as to what could have inflicted such odd shaped bruises. He has at least three things attached to his belt and one of them was most certainly a knife, so I had no interest in tangling with him. All in all, this is why I went to Europe.
